Post context: This blog is really centered on healing old habits. These days, I try to write down what’s on my mind, because there’s less room in there to keep things compartmentalized. That neat survival trick where I could keep everything tucked in and tidy, away from prying eyes is no longer serving me or my mental health. Part of why this blog exists is because I consider it a cathartic practice to share what’s bothering me while balancing all the things in my life as a working professional, parent, spouse, sister, daughter, you name it and sometimes, while writing…arrive at a solution.
For a person who has struggled with being primed to fix every problem they encounter, I’ve learned that healing for me also means that when I struggle, believe or not, I don’t need to solve it, whatever “it” is. The immediacy of coming to a solution can also be a problem, especially when we apply this pressure on ourselves. Instead, I just need to acknowledge what I’m experiencing and reflect on it. The solutions will eventually come and sometimes just recognizing that there is a problem is enough.
I also recognize that I can’t be alone in these struggles and I hope this resonates with others too. By sharing out and being vulnerable, I hope it leads me and others closer to accepting what is and finding ways to improve when it makes sense to do so.
So…here goes:
These last few weeks, I’ve come across an interesting set of emotions that has become more profound the further along I am in the semester. Maybe you’ve felt it too…fear and anxiety.
I remember starting off strong this first semester even to the point that I impressed a faculty member with my early start in researching a thesis topic. Maybe it was the excitement of becoming a new grad student or the dopamine propelling me to get started and finish my first set of assignments. Nothing could stop me from this natural high of telling myself I was doing something I have been wanting to do for a long time. The timing was right. I was ready. I created a philosophy of taking things one at a time, working smart, and sustainably.
And then suddenly, I started to have a sense of feeling overwhelmed and overburdened. As though I could not keep up with my previous productivity levels or high quality of work. Instead, I began to question what I was doing and why I had decided to return to school. It was the complete opposite of how I felt in the beginning of the semester and I could not and still cannot understand why I’m swinging in the opposite direction and suddenly crashing my dreams of being a well balanced, successful MPH student.
What is this doing to me?
- Well, I’m scared to look at assignments for fear of the “overwhelming” workload that I have to complete each week.
- I’m also anxious to check due dates because there may be “too many” for me to handle.
- I’m starting assignments much later in the week than I prefer. Rather than preparing assignments on Mondays, I’m waiting till Saturday evening and even Sunday to get started.
How am I handling this?
- First, I knew there was a chance I might have this feeling in the first place and deliberately told myself before starting school that I cannot take more than two courses per semester and this is helping me preemptively manage my workload balance. I’m glad I stuck with this boundary.
- Second, I took time to just acknowledge these feelings in the last few weeks
- Third, I reached out to my professors because I wanted objective insight into just how “bad” things are. I’ve set up meetings to go over my course progression. I feel I am on track, but the more objective advice I can get, the better.
- Fourth, I actually took a look at my grades to see whether I was doing poorly (I’m not), so that I could calm some of the concerns I had around meeting my graduate school requirements.
- Lastly, I wrote this blog post – again it’s cathartic to say the quiet parts out loud.
Are the emotions of fear real? Yes. Are they valid? Yes – especially when the goal is to be a successful grad student. Has my focus on the fear exacerbated the reality of how I’m doing in school? Also yes. Emotions are powerful.
Here’s what I’m trying to tell myself:
- Acknowledge the emotion – the fear is valid and real, but it does not need to take hold, cause work or decision paralysis, or cause feelings of quitting.
- Rationalize the emotion – can I check my grades to see how “bad” things are? Can I ask others to give me an objective point of view of my progress?
- Use this opportunity to reset and consider what to do for the next semester. Should I go from two classes to one? What’s allowed as a part-time graduate student? Remember it’s a marathon, not a race.
Are some of these suggestions solutions-focused? Yes, but really it serves more as an informal checklist with questions for me (and you) to consider. We all experience emotions of fear, anxiety, frustration, and disappointment in graduate school. Somedays, all I can do is sit with it, step away from the work, enjoy a laugh with my family and come back again when I’m ready. Even as I type this, I have two assignments coming due before an 11:59 p.m. deadline and even so, I know that I am capable of adjusting bit by bit in forming better habits.
That’s really all we can ask of ourselves.
🎧 I wrote this blog post while listening to Relax to Your Own Waterfall and Spa by Ambient Renders. I don't get any compensation for sharing this link, I just really enjoy lofi and ambient sounds and thought you might too.
To your salud & success,
AW
📸 Image credit: Photo by Suzy Hazelwood
